It Don't Make Sense!

I understand why stores close early on Thanksgiving or on Christmas Eve. People should be home with family enjoying dinner. What makes no sense to me is why stores close early on New Years Day? Who has dinner with family on New Years Day? Shouldn't stores open late instead, and close at the normal time? It's downright cruel to all of us serious drinkers, those of us who don't have the guts, or lack the commitment to become actual alcoholics. We at least had the fortitude this one night a year to abuse ourselves with a decent hangover, our way of telling the world, once we look up from the toilet as we're reaching for tums and a fist full of aspirin, that the year can only get better from here. And how does the world reward that effort? By the time we regain the strength to untie our arms from the toilet, shave our tongues and lose the taste of liquor that's come up several times every decent establishment is closing-except for-it hurts to say-bars.

I think it is an attack on all of us self-respecting drinkers who failed to respect ourselves last night. I propose a constitutional amendment. Can I get a second on that Senator Kennedy? The Bush girls?...WE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF MEN AND WOMEN OF ALL ETHICITIES, RACES AND NATIONALITIES PROMISE TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF THOSE WHO, ON NEW YEARS EVE, CAN'T HELP OURSELVES FROM HAVING JUST ONE MORE...OKAY, LAST ONE...I MEAN IT, THIS IS REALLY IT FOR ME...YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND EVER...AM I STARTING TO LOOK GOOD TO YOU YET...I THINK I HAD TOO MUCH OF THE SPINACH DIP, OH GOD! QUICK WHERE'S YOUR BATHROOM..