Almost Catching Gay ... a Harrowing True Story

The wife and I use to live in a nic\e little 12 flat about two blocks from Chicago's Wrigley Field. Close enough that on game nights the sound of cheering fans often drowned out the television. It was sort of surreal when watching the games on TV because there is a short delay in the broadcast. So when the crowd cheered at the ballpark we'd expectantly watch the TV almost as if we could predict the future. Best of all was when the wife and I would finish making love to the cheers of thousands of adoring fans. It was quite an ego boost. I felt like a stud and a superstar. Though I was often disappointed later when no one on the street recognized me or asked for an autograph.

Aside from the ballpark, it was a nice quite building, with a little courtyard that faced the alley. The laundry room was just down stairs off the courtyard. The neighbors were quiet and friendly, and helped keep the place clean. We all watched out for one another and sent ne'r-do-wells on their way. I have a very beautiful wife(I married waaaay up) and we worked odd hours, so you can imagine what a comfort it was to know that all the men in the building were there to protect her. Oh, did I fail to mention that we were the only straight people in the building. Guess that just slipped by.

Yeah there was a nice gay couple above us. I think they had been together for some years and wer thinking of buying something together. Oh, and there was the 6 foot 2 inch Joan Rivers drag queen. It is an eye opening experience to pass a six foot tall Joan Rivers in a pink jacket and skirt, high heels, full make-up and theat signature bob blond hairdo and have her tell you "Good Morning" in a voice that would put Barry White to shame!

My favorite was the opera singer, who lived across the courtyard. His rich tenor voioce would fill the air. My wife is European and grew up in the theater. Some nights we would turn off the lights and television and simply enjoy that little moment of culture and serenity.

Well one warm spring night the wife and I were watching a movie. Who knows what we were watching. The Opera singer was practicing. Earlier that week a young guy had moved in down stairs. He seemed nice enough, but to say he was flaming...He was off the scale, but in a nice sort of way. Let me describe it this way. He was painting his apartment one afternoon with the door open, wearing nothing but skin tight silver spandex shorts, sort of dancing to campy vintage Madonna music in the background. He saw us in the hall and gave a dainty little wave. If there was a scale to measure gay, he broke it.

So that night I'm doing laundry, and I head down to the laundry room and Flaming boy is there as well. I smiled and asked how the oainting was going. Beyond that, didn't have a great deal to say. But there is that weight in a room, when two people are alone. I smiled uncomfortbally. I know he was feeling it as well. My wash was on spin and it seemed to take forevr to finish.

"So, here we are, all alone on a Saturday night doing laundry," he said.

"Well, I guess it keeps us out of trouble," I replied, not knowing what else to say."

"God that is no fun," said, sort of coy, cocking his hips. I know it sounds cliche, but I swear its true. "Wanna come up for a beer?"

"Can't," I said throwing my laundry into the dryer, "but I have to get back to the wife."

"Some other time, perhaps," he replied as he left. I laughed, knowing the wife would get a kick out of the whole story.

On the way back upstairs I noticed his door was open. I had to pass by it to get to my apartment. I was working a pretty physical job those days and looked like kind of a redneck. Well he thought he had constructed the perfect redneck trap. As I passed he was wearing nothing but a sequined tank top. In one hand was a glass of white wine, and in the other a 24 ounce can of Miller Light Beer.

"Sure?" he said. I was glad that shirt covered him well enough, or I would have broke out laughing.

"Maybe another time," I waved and hurried upstairs.

Thinking back I realized just how close I was to catching gay. I can only imagine what terrible thing must have happened to Larry Craig, or the Rev. Ted Haggard, or all those other "Straight" Righties caught in, shall we say, compromising situations. Then again maybe it is the ones who protest the most, the ones who believe they are somehow threatened by homosexuality that are hiding something, or are ashamed of their own deepest thoughts.. As a liberal I've always tried to have a live and let live attitude. I've had lots of gay friends, a few of whom have flirted with me. I've been to gay bars with friends, certain I was the only straight guy in the place. A beer is beer, right? Never once did I ever think, maybe...never once did I feel a little twinge in the groan, or think, hey, any port in a storm. So get over it Righties. Live a little, and enjoy the diversity of life and the world before it passes you by. And for all the Bible/Koran/Torah thumpers, those books are meant to be a key, not a prison!